Of late...

Of late I get nothing done. I contemplate sorting out my life. Evaluating. Changing. I do nothing. It's kind of like being in high school again - much time spent on introspection little actually accomplished. Everyone should go through such a period - in high school not in their 40's.
My life has changed a great deal in the past 2 years. Some of it for the better, some of it not but most of all it has changed. I've gone from being miserable with a mission to deliriously happy to lost and confused. Maybe this is the nature of relationships.
I'm a sink with the ship sort of person. I stick with relationships, jobs, projects until the ship has settled on the bottom and the silt has settled. I used to think this was an admirable trait now perhaps I realize that it is a fault.
One of the things that hasn't changed is my need to communicate. One of the things that has is my means of communicating. I used to communicate with those closest to me, my wife until she decided she no longer wanted to be married, my friends, particularly during the 5 years that my ex-wife took to formulate and execute her exit strategy, an unlikely lover, until she got scared and ran away, which I don't fault her for - but she was also my friend and should have remained so even if she felt she wasn't ready to be with me. I like to talk. I like to talk face to face. I like to be connected to another person.
With today's technology it's easy to communicate, there are so many ways to reach out to others and for them to reach out to you. When my young lover left she shut down the avenue of communication that I used most often. I had so much to discuss. So much I needed, so much that I wanted her to know. It was killing me to keep it all in so finally I decided to write it down. Day after day in my decent into madness; One ride after another on my emotional roller coaster. Anger, sorrow, despair, hope, understanding, compassion and finally healing. I wrote a small book. It's not any easy read. Kind of like rummaging through someones garbage to get an understanding of them. If you can look at the story written in that garbage it might make sense. If you look only at the pieces... not good. No, It won't go up here. It was never really meant to be read by anyone.
Before I ramble on into the sunset; In a nutshell, I have taken to writing down the things that I used to communicate with others. It's cathartic. It keeps the dark thoughts from poisoning your heart. It allows you to make sense of the confusing thoughts. It keeps the introspection to a healthy limit. And maybe it can help others. This will be my newest form of communication, we'll see how it works out.
Enough for now. There's always plenty of stuff spinning around in my head. I'll be back when I find the time to let it out.

Be well all.